For the longest time I had no friends in my life. I had friends –
abstractly , in far distant lands, whom I thought of often and
remembered fondly – but I hadn’t spoken to them, seen them or made any
effort to be in contact with them, whatsoever. The last time anyone
heard from me, my life plan was to marry an exotic, dark-eyed man and
make my living chartering fishing trips, in the endless summer sun, of
my new island home in the Caribbean. I asked everyone to update their
passports and wait for destination wedding invitations that never came.
What can I say? I’m a little flakey sometime.
Two years later: I had a blind baby, in a shoebox apartment , with no money, no wheels, no internet and the constant fear that the next day would bring the butterfly effect that crumbled my house of cards. My nails were bitten bloody and Evo was never home. I was nicking beach reads from the ‘Library’ in the Hotels because I couldn’t afford to buy books and couldn’t commit to honoring the return policy of the Library . That was a very bad place. One more Danielle Steele novel would have sent me stumbling, over the edge of rational thought, into the bottomless abyss of tragic Romance, aka: Dante’s second circle of hell.
My social circle was beyond small and the primary member was a very unhappy individual with a bad attitude toward Gabriel’s affliction. All I ever heard was how horribly unfair life can be and that negativity was contagious. Despite my best intentions it started to affect me. When my baby was with me I was fine, but the minute he fell asleep, I would despair.
And then….I got broadband (insert heavenly choir.).
Neanderthal man could have not been more pleased with his wheel than I was with my ISP. Suddenly, my dreary apartment was transformed into a portal to the world beyond my isolation.
First thing I did? Catch up with the Simpsons.
Second thing? I found one of my dearest friends on MySpace: the cool girl who decided to befriend my dorky 7th grade self and later became the Betty to my Veronica, my partner in youthful crime. I caught up with her. We exchanged the years we’d missed in a stream of messages that I lived for, and will cherish the memory of, for the rest of my life. I found out that she thought I was really brave. It’s hard to despair when you have someone rooting for you.
More friends followed and I was heady with social networking delight, I had friends again! Granted, they all lived in my laptop, but still…..friends!! One day my Betty suggested I join Facebook. Understandably reluctant (I’d just gotten my Myspace profile to look really cool and was running the baddest Mafia ever) I created an account.
Suddenly, I had a network of friends and family at my fingertips. I wasn’t alone anymore. Better yet, I had a bunch of people supporting me, people who considered me amazing just for doing what I’d been doing. In a really weird way Facebook saved me, helped me change my opinion of myself. It dragged me out of the abyss, helped me reconnect, see things through other people’s eyes –even walk in their shoes. How bizarre. The pinnacle of 21st century Narcissism helped me get over myself. Whoda thunk it?
Now, my Facebook friends are my biggest champions. They are the first to read this blog, even though none of them have blind kids. They went with me to Cali, Columbia while we waited, for a long, looong time on the transplant list and kept my spirits up when I felt sad. They sent messages of love and prayer and support. They never knew how much they helped me, how much those little ‘likes’ meant to me in moments when sorrow danced close. They don’t know how much their encouragement eggs me on, to write better, to write more. Well… maybe they do now.
Having people to support and encourage made a huge difference in my life. We humans are social creatures, we thrive in communities. We can’t help but crave approval and acceptance from our fellow man. Alone – it’s easy to lose your way and become adrift in a too rapidly changing world. Alone and with a blind kid – I found it impossible to manage. Negative thoughts, some whispered in my ear – some of my own creation, became an evil dragon, stalking me in the night. Then, the love of my friends slayed the dragon. And right now, I’m drinking wine out of it’s head. Cheers!
What can I say? I’m a little flakey sometime.
Two years later: I had a blind baby, in a shoebox apartment , with no money, no wheels, no internet and the constant fear that the next day would bring the butterfly effect that crumbled my house of cards. My nails were bitten bloody and Evo was never home. I was nicking beach reads from the ‘Library’ in the Hotels because I couldn’t afford to buy books and couldn’t commit to honoring the return policy of the Library . That was a very bad place. One more Danielle Steele novel would have sent me stumbling, over the edge of rational thought, into the bottomless abyss of tragic Romance, aka: Dante’s second circle of hell.
My social circle was beyond small and the primary member was a very unhappy individual with a bad attitude toward Gabriel’s affliction. All I ever heard was how horribly unfair life can be and that negativity was contagious. Despite my best intentions it started to affect me. When my baby was with me I was fine, but the minute he fell asleep, I would despair.
And then….I got broadband (insert heavenly choir.).
Neanderthal man could have not been more pleased with his wheel than I was with my ISP. Suddenly, my dreary apartment was transformed into a portal to the world beyond my isolation.
First thing I did? Catch up with the Simpsons.
Second thing? I found one of my dearest friends on MySpace: the cool girl who decided to befriend my dorky 7th grade self and later became the Betty to my Veronica, my partner in youthful crime. I caught up with her. We exchanged the years we’d missed in a stream of messages that I lived for, and will cherish the memory of, for the rest of my life. I found out that she thought I was really brave. It’s hard to despair when you have someone rooting for you.
More friends followed and I was heady with social networking delight, I had friends again! Granted, they all lived in my laptop, but still…..friends!! One day my Betty suggested I join Facebook. Understandably reluctant (I’d just gotten my Myspace profile to look really cool and was running the baddest Mafia ever) I created an account.
Suddenly, I had a network of friends and family at my fingertips. I wasn’t alone anymore. Better yet, I had a bunch of people supporting me, people who considered me amazing just for doing what I’d been doing. In a really weird way Facebook saved me, helped me change my opinion of myself. It dragged me out of the abyss, helped me reconnect, see things through other people’s eyes –even walk in their shoes. How bizarre. The pinnacle of 21st century Narcissism helped me get over myself. Whoda thunk it?
Now, my Facebook friends are my biggest champions. They are the first to read this blog, even though none of them have blind kids. They went with me to Cali, Columbia while we waited, for a long, looong time on the transplant list and kept my spirits up when I felt sad. They sent messages of love and prayer and support. They never knew how much they helped me, how much those little ‘likes’ meant to me in moments when sorrow danced close. They don’t know how much their encouragement eggs me on, to write better, to write more. Well… maybe they do now.
Having people to support and encourage made a huge difference in my life. We humans are social creatures, we thrive in communities. We can’t help but crave approval and acceptance from our fellow man. Alone – it’s easy to lose your way and become adrift in a too rapidly changing world. Alone and with a blind kid – I found it impossible to manage. Negative thoughts, some whispered in my ear – some of my own creation, became an evil dragon, stalking me in the night. Then, the love of my friends slayed the dragon. And right now, I’m drinking wine out of it’s head. Cheers!
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